I came, I saw, I ate

Sometimes I sit back and wonder why it is that I'm eating what I'm eating. I know what I should be eating. I know what I should not be eating. There are times, though, where I can justify eating my weight in cookies and candies. I can justify eating as much Mexican as possible before I cannot walk.

When I think about it, though, I realize there are reasons behind the eating. More than anything it's stress and boredom. I need to find a new way to destress - a new way to cure my boredom. I already workout every day. I just got a Kindle so I'm taking up reading all the Classic novels I've never read before...mainly because they're free.

Maybe I don't need a diet - maybe I need a therapist.

It's My Birthday

I'm 29 today. I know I haven't been updating like I said I would. Things have been so busy and complicated. Doctor visits, ER visits, holidays and so much more. I thought I would drop in, though, and show where I'm at now.

Arms:13

Chest: 36

Waist: 36

Hips: 47

Thighs: 27

Calves: 15.5

Sigh

I work out 5 times a week, at least, for 30 minutes a day, again, at least.

I watch everything I eat and not just as it goes from my plate to my mouth.

I am making no progress.

Sigh.

one week down

Okay, I've made it through one week. I've worked out, watched what I ate (and not just as it went from the plate to my mouth) and made sure to drink plenty of water. I've done some experimenting with what/how/when I'm eating. These are the results of one week:

Arms: 13.75 (down .25)
Bust: 37.75 (down .75)
Waist: 39.75 (down .75)
Hips: 49 (down .5)
Thighs: 29.5 (down .5)
Calves:18 (down 1)
Total Inches Lost: 3.75 inches
Pounds lost: 7.8

I'm pretty happy with the results for the week. Today is kind of a wildcard because I take Sundays off from working out. I figure it's okay to take one day a week to just chill. I also ate a pepperoni roll today for lunch and it wasn't great for me. We are, however, having a pretty healthy dinner so I'm not going to worry myself to death.

In regards to what I'm thinking about changing with my eating this week I'm speaking regarding my breakfast and lunch. I don't believe I'm eating enough during the day. It's making me tired and grouchy so I'm moving things around with it. With working out I'm planning on keeping the path I did this week.

Upcoming worries: I have to go to New Orleans for work on Saturday for 4 days. This worries me but I think I can get things ironed out. I just need to make sure I get some healthy snacks and breakfast options. I need to not be too hard on myself but hold myself accountable. When I first get to the hotel I need to find the gym and make myself say I'm going to go there.

I hope everyone has a great week!

didn't i my dear

For the past couple of these things I have been talking about things that make me hungry. I thought I would mention something that doesn't on this cool Saturday morning.

Drinking coffee. It makes me feel full and happy and warm. Is there a coffee only diet? One of my A friends told me yesterday I'm not eating enough and my body is going to think it's starving. I was like - I'm eating. I'm not starving myself. It's just she had got so used to me eating all time (seriously) that is seems like I'm never eating. I still eat. God knows I love food. Especially bread (as mentioned before). Oh, and butter. Ohhh bread and butter.

There I go talking about things I love again.

I got a bit of things under control. I do have to talk myself down from doing crazy things like eating until I'm ill. I don't really fully know what drives me to do that. It's like there are just times I have to get sick off of eating too much food to feel really alive. It's something I've got to work out in my head.

Tomorrow: Update on measurements. Ugh.

Sometimes I close my eyes...

There are times when I close my eyes and find myself fantasizing. It makes me feel warm and happy all at once. I lick my lips and find myself wanting it so bad.



What am I fantasizing about? A great big...stack of pancakes. That's right. Buttermilk pancakes. Fresh off the grill. All of them drown in butter because I don't like syrup. Just thinking about them now makes my mouth water.



Is there a medical condition for fantasizing about carbs? If so I both suffer and enjoy it.

Thing 1

I get hungry. That's a thing that makes me eat. I mean I'll go days and days and not be hungry at all. Then out of nowhere I'll wake up starving the next morning. I do mean starving too. Stomach aching. Just so danged hungry. It's like I can eat and eat and nothing fills me up though. It is something I've wondered about possibly being just because I'm tired and don't know how to deal with being tired. I wonder if I wake up bored too.

I've got better at ignoring it though. It helps some if I can convince myself it'll all be okay as soon as I can drink some water. Sometimes that helps. Sometimes it makes my stomach hurt.

I'll sort through it eventually.

Here We Go Again

Recently I received a comment that I should start blogging again about how wonderful being married is for me. I sort of snickered at this idea. It's not that our life isn't great together - it is great. We just live a real life where there are times we don't agree, times we argue and times when his snoring makes me want to put a pillow over his face just to make it stop. (just kidding..sort of) I love him to death, though, just like he does me and that makes life a little bit better every single day.

While I've been considering this idea I've also been fighting with my advisary - my weight- yet again. Has anyone heard that saying about getting shorter and fatter because you're happy? Fly mentioned something to me about it but I can't remember the wording he used here. I was happy at my wedding and pretty content with the way the pictures turned out. The issue with buying a dress and then deciding you're going to get healthy again is that pesky thing about measurements varying constantly with each pound gained or lost. After fretting over the whole wedding dress thing for about 6 months I said "Forget it...I'm done with this." ..and I ate. And ate. And...ate.

This morning I finally sucked it up and weighed myself. In the moment I stepped on the scale I almost passed out. I swear my clothes seemed to be fitting better! I wasn't having issues getting into them. I was walking 3-5 times a week at work and working out in addition to that twice a week. How did this happen? How did I get here again? I can't believe I'm about to start from square one again to fight this stupid battle with myself.

I decided, however, to start blogging this battle again. I'm going to be painfully honest with myself and everyone else in this time. I'm not going to put my weight until I can face it but I'm going to put every single measurements up once a week. This is day one of kicking my own ass into gear.

From here on this blog will be me talking about what I'm eating, what drives me to wanting to eat (especially when I'm not hungry) and, as usual, whatever other random thing pops into my head.

Arms: 14
Bust: 38.5
Waist: 40.5
Hips: 49.5
Thighs: 30
Calves: 19

God help us, here we go.

Wedding

It was wonderful. Beautiful. Magical.

If anyone wants to see pictures find me on Facebook. By next Tuesday I'll probably have about 500 up. :)

Saturday...

...I am getting married...

(eep!)

...And...

I'm getting married.

:)

The phone felt oddly heavy in my hand. How long had it been pressed to my ear listening to the endless ring...ring...ring...waiting for an answering machine to pick up? A better question would probably be why I was sitting in the dark extra bedroom in the dead silence with this phone to my ear anyway. One splash of bitter red wine from the glass, past lips and down throat was an instant reminder.

A voice. That's all I needed to hear.

There was no point in letting my mind drift. I was aware enough to know that my memories would be tainted by the drinks from the evening. As always the good times would seem overpowering and leave me sobbing messages of "why...why didn't this work..." and the bad times would seem distant...nonexistent. The fact that the bad times so harshly outweighed the good times would be forgotten. The need to go back to his arms, his bed, would win and then all I'd worked for would be ruined...soiled by the part of me that should have died long ago.

The part of me only for him.

How many times had I called him tonight? Was this the first or the tenth? If he would answer there would be a few moments of comfort in the conversation and then the call would end. I would sit, breathe in...breathe out...and feel the despair and guilt wash over me. The "why..why did I do that.." would win out and I'd have to hide my shame. The shame...

"hello..."...a rough, groggy voice floated into my ear. The electricity shot down my spine, out to my fingertips then landed firmly in my chest.

"Hello?" ...a bit louder now. More awake, aware. Barely audible above the pounding of my heart in my ears.

"Hello?? I can hear you breathing."...a touch of anger, aggravation ringing clearly through the words. Mouth instantly dry and yet expectant and longing for the mouth those words came from the close roughly around my own. My voice screamed in my head. Say something...say anything.

"He..."...the click was deafening. The moment of connection was gone and a sob caught in my throat as the fast busy signal echoed through the room.

For a moment we were tied together...both wondering about the words unsaid. Silence the only answer.

Hang up.