feel just a little bit deeper

WARNING to the DUDES: This is a very chick post. You have been warned.




Today I had to get my pap smeared. This is honestly that day of the year that I dread the absolute most. Seriously, with all the advances in technology could they not come up with a better procedure to perform this exam?! It's still that god awful cold thing shoved and then cranked open to a level of deep that just isn't right. That's right, I said it, it isn't right. It's incredibly wrong and leaves a person feeling slight violated after everything is done! I'm not even going to get into the fact that last year I had mine come back bad so I had to have not only a biopsy but two more of those damned things done. That's basically 4 in one year! I'm pretty sure this is the cosmos way of punishing me for all the wicked deeds I do.

Anyway, to the point of the story, I ran out of pills at the beginning of the month. My appointment wasn't until the end of this month (duh, today) so I had to do without for this length of time. Well, I'm telling the doctor this right after I've almost fell off the exam table trying to sit up again (jeez, give a girl a minute to compose herself after an experience like that, lady). She gets all wide-eyed telling me I'd have to wait until after my Aunt came to town again before I could start taking the pills and then I'd have to use alternate forms of protection for the first month while I was back on the pill. She then tells her assistant to get me some "foam and condoms" to get through the time.

After walking out of the office with my completely inconspicuous "oh no, I'm not carrying birth control" health department brown bag full of pills, I flopped into the driver seat to compose for a minute. My anxiety about the appointment slowly faded away and my curiosity got the best of me--I'd never had free condoms before. What would they look like? Where there assorted sizes? Looking into the bag I quickly fell into near hysterics I was laughing so hard and thought about not returning to work.

Inside the bag were my multiple packs of pills, 3 cans of spermicide and about 60 condoms. I guess someone looked at me and decided I needed to get busy...very busy.

Happy Birthdayyyyy to YOUUUUUUUUUUUUU

Today is a miraculous day, my dearest darling readers. 23 years ago today, my little brother sprung into this world and it hasn't been the same since! We're going out to celebrate his birthday late tonight so keep me in your thoughts...everyone knows 9 is my bedtime anymore!

Happy birthday, al, I loveee youuuuuu desperately!

come back to me

I am so incredibly tired. It turns out one day of doing nothing after the weekend with lil' bit in Richmond just wasn't enough. Honestly, though, I still did stuff yesterday so I didn't just sit on my butt like I wanted to do. As a quick rundown, I had a great time in Richmond. The concert was really good and the crabcake sandwich I had was amazing! The next day we went to Kings Dominion and man was it a great time. They have a couple of new rollercoasters that are INSANELY fun. I'm debating buying a season pass there, that is, if I ever have money again. Next Saturday I'm heading to Pittsburgh with my family to watch a ballgame so it should be a good time. I'm sure I'll eventually have a weekend of doing nothing again but one isn't in sight right now.

Over the weekend I yet again had the conversation with someone regarding "why aren't you two together? there's such a connection there..." and wanted to tear my hair out. It's easy to see the good stuff from the outside but they don't know the bad stuff. They don't know about the lack of trust in certain aspects and the complete sense of pointless heartache that can attack you in the middle of the night. The conversation lasted almost two hours with them arguing with me not to give up a battle I've long ago lost. It made me wonder again if I'm sitting around waiting on someone to come back to me but...after basically not sleeping the past two days...I've decided the answer is no. I mean...okay...no, I'm not interested in anyone right now. I'm not out playing the game. I'm just floating along in my boat perfectly content with my lack of paddles. Some day it might bother me but today it doesn't.

Maybe I don't love myself enough yet to care. Maybe it's better if I just focus on the weight loss goal and ignore other things. (Current goal : 3 pounds in 2 weeks which will get me back to the weight I was before my mini vacation. Ugh...)

I have to believe things happen when they happen (or don't happen) for a reason. It's what keeps me going.

As soon as my heart stops breaking

For once, the title of this one has nothing to do with the blog. It just so happens to be what's on the radio today. I know I've repeatedly ranted about it but we listen to the most horrific music at work and aren't supposed to use headphone. I can tell you, however, that after listening to the heartbroken/loving music for an entire day yesterday I got into a place of bad self loathing. I sat here and just felt horrible about myself. I felt incredibly fat and worthless and was insanely aware of how single I am. It was just one of those days where the only real cure is going home, sinking into the couch and watching 3 hours of Dr. Who straight. The Doctor always makes me feel better. Sure, I quite often cry when I watch Dr. Who (especially the Doctor and Rose episodes) but in the end I can find my smile and be better (except for the end of the season with Rose...Torchwood...Split dimensions...oh it makes me want to cry thinking about it...both standing on opposite sides of a wall with hands pressed against it like they can feel each other's energy...down tears, down). Today I'm feeling much better and managed to convince myself that it is worth getting up and coming to work out even if the pounds aren't melting off like I wish they were. (...and I wish they were melting like butter on the cement on a 115 degree summer day)

Tomorrow Lil' Bit and I are headed to Richmond. I am very excited!! I really don't know why...oh wait yes I do...Kings Dominion!!! I'm not sure I've ever mentioned I'm a roller coaster junkie. When I gained all the weight there were roller coasters I couldn't ride because my thunder thighs were too big. I can't begin to explain the embarrassment of going up to get on a roller coaster then not being able to fit into the seat. It's horrible and horrifying all at once. I haven't been back to an amusement park since then. Now, 70+ pounds lighter, I'm ready to roll again.

Hah, conversation I have to share:

Lil' Bit: His words are always "if its not hard than its not worth doing"
me: that's my motto in certain cases
me: MWHAHAHAHAH
Lil' Bit: lol
me: okay, I need to get out of this office
Lil' Bit: yeah

Okay, I hope everyone has a great weekend. Mine officially starts tomorrow and doesn't end until Monday evening. Be safe and don't do anything I wouldn't do--as if that eliminates much.

when did "we" become part of the conversation

Brief bullet rundown:

• 2 days 'til Richomond
• 3 days 'til Kings Dominion
• EXCITED to get out of town and not be working
• No new weight loss to report
• Must not be hard on self
• 3 other people are trying to lose weight before the reunion--must band together
• Coffee man is now referring to himself and me as "we"
• "we'll do this" and "we'll do that"
• Uh, no.

That's it for today. If you haven't went by to check out the 'chick's incredibly exciting news or belle's equally incredibly exciting news--for shaaaame. Get to it. Go on, I'll be here when you get back.

...unless I see something shiny.

my first taste of love...bittersweet

I drive 30 minutes in to work every morning. This provides me a lot of time to listen to the radio. Due to my new get up and go attitude in the mornings, this also gives me a lot more music time on the radio and a lot less talk show. It's a refreshing change from my normal endless babble that's on the radio. I mean, I really don't mind it that badly most of the time but it's nice to actually be able to sing along with the radio while driving. (Loudly and badly, for the record) This morning right after I belted out "I Told You So", "Strawberry Wine" came on. I found myself drifting back, thinking about times I've sang that song and thought of a boy.

Before I decided I couldn't sing, I used to think I could. I sang all the damned time. It was hard to make me stop. I actually auditioned for a few musicals though high school always got in the way of rehearsals and I could never live my dream of being one of the Van Trapp children. When I was in the 11th grade I dated a guy on a whole new level of serious for me, the girl who could care less about having a guy through my entire high school career. He was a senior. (insert OOooOOOoo here) We were both in band and it was a band geek romance written in the stars above.

I fondly remember sitting outside my parents' house with his arms wrapped around me in the cool fall air. I had on his letterman's jacket and could smell someone burning leaves in the air. It was the perfect evening and he was singing something softly against my hair. Only a faint memory of the song echoes in my mind but I remember it sounded like silk on his voice. Something about the air of the night, the sound of his voice and the words of the song all clicked in perfect harmony and I knew I loved him. I thought this was exactly what Disney movies had always predicted would happen to me and this was my happy ending...

He and I shared a few months of a very rocky relationship that spanned that entire year for me. We broke up for the final time right after he graduated. It was me, not him. He was looking for that forever love and I was 17. I was young. I was free. I was looking for greenier grasses. I remember seeing him a few months later and "Strawberry Wine" echoed through my radio. A part of me suddenly ached for him. It ached to be back on my parents' deck in that moment where everything clicked and was right with him. The line "is it really him or the loss of my innocence I've been missing so much..."sang through the radio and instead of stopping, running to his arms and begging him to take me back, I drove on.

Before I knew it this morning, the song was off and the drive in was basically over. I parked my car, sighed but then smiled. The memory left me with a warm and fuzzy feeling and helped me remember something very important: No matter how he made me feel, I knew he wasn't right for me. I knew he wasn't the one I was supposed to be with forever just as quickly as I'd known I loved him. Sometimes things are no where near as complicated as I make them. Sometimes I just know things aren't meant to be and I shouldn't have to explain them.

...And from now on I won't.

coffee tea or me?

I'm going to do a bit of a rundown from the weekend but it's not going to be the best quality. I'm tired and have the hangover of a migraine hanging over my head. I almost called in to work today but I resisted. By noon today I very good and well might be asking myself exactly why I resisted.

To get it out of the way, this is how the coffee date went--Okay. Yes, that's my feedback. It went okay. He was an okay guy. He'd probably be a really good try but since I've been told lately I cut people short too quickly I'm going to go out with him again. He's tall and kind of funny. He doesn't talk much, though, which makes me grow incredibly tired of my own voice in a near record time. He kept saying I was shy because I didn't want to hold this long deep into each other's eyes gaze. I'm sorry. I just wasn't that comfortable around this stranger. His staring basically burned a hole into my already pounding head. I drank one cup of coffee which is officially one more cup of coffee then I've drank in forever. He drank an iced coffee the size of my head. Like I said, it was okay and he convinced me to give him a hug when we parted ways. He's been texting me on a pretty darn regular basis...and by regular I mean starting to get annoying. Again I go back to am I really ready to do this whole serious dating thing when a guy texting me is enough for me to be like "OMG PLEASE LEAVE me ALONE". I think the date can be summed up in a convo just held by me and belle:

Belle: how did the date go?
me: Meh. lol
Belle: lol...
me: he was okay. I'm just really harsh
Belle: cause he isn't what you want
me: exactly
me: however, someday my prince will come
Belle: i agree with you there!

My mom wants to set me up with a guy my dad works with and, prepare yourself, I told her to go ahead. Hell, what've I got to lose? Want me to go out on a date with someone--sure, why not, let's roll.

On to more of the weekend...I had a migraine that medicine barely touched the entire weekend. It's lingering today but has faded to just a dull thud. It made having to talk and go to a birthday party a serious pain.

...is it 5 o'clock yet?

Oh, since I started my lose 40 pounds thing I've lost 8. That's 8 pounds, 1 week. Saying I still have to lose 32 pounds in 51 weeks is a lot easier to stomach than 40 for some reason. I've been working out like a mad woman and plan on keeping it up.

Encouraging words and quick migraine cures in comments.

how can I move on

I think my actual question is "how can I move...anywhere". I've done way better than I thought I would with getting up and coming in to work out before work this week. I actually made it in 5 out of 5 days. Today my body is sore. It's as if it's screaming "why? WHY must you put us through this??". I think it's honestly because each day I've pushed it a little harder to see just how much distance I can get in 20 minutes. Next week I'm debating either trying to get here a little earlier to tack on a few minutes or adding Tae Bo back into the mix after work. The problem with that is that by the time I get home all I want to do is nothing. My brain wants to turn off and just stare off into space. I do a load of laundry if need be, put the dirty dishes in the dish washer while doing the "do I need to run you" evaluation, pick up any random things I've left sitting around, pack my lunch for the next day and then watch whatever I have saved on DVR. (For the record, that's normally Dr. Who or Torchwood...today Ugly Betty & CSI will be added to the mix. Smallville would be included but I actually watched that live last night. I watched Supernatural too which whewwwie do I remember why I stopped watching it right before bed time. I was so creeped out I had to watch cartoons for an hour before I settled down) Back to the point, I just most of the time can't will myself to work out once I'm home from work. I'm going to do the work out videos this weekend because I'm not making a 30 minute commute just to work out. I'm not that determined. On top of that, we have a work out center where I live...I've just never ventured down there. Maybe I will this weekend.

I found out yesterday that someone I trusted is not trust worthy. That's a tough thing to swallow. Is it bad, though, to say I don't feel upset or betrayed? It's as if this has officially happened to me so often that my brain has built up a defense against me getting too upset over it. I just absorbed the initial shock of it happening, got pissed off, then let it go. It's another lesson learned--sadly it has to happen for us to really know who to trust. I think what still bothers me about it is that the whole thing has made my life uncomfortable. I'd got it to the spot where things were going well and someone I thought wouldn't had to throw some drama into the mix. That bugs me. I have a "piece of flair" that says "The Middle School Called--They Want Their Drama Back" but I rose above putting it somewhere visible this morning. I'll get fully over it. I'll forgive but never forget. That'd put the point of the lesson to pointless after all.

I didn't get to talk to Coffee Man last night. The paranoid part of me is convinced he's avoiding me and will not follow through on our plans. Note: I admitted this is the paranoid part. I guess I'll find out this evening because if we don't talk then no plans will be made and poof, no date. If that happens I will not get down. I will, instead, go spend the rest of the evening watching movies. I kind of need another weekend of doing a whole lot of nothing anyway. My brain is still trying to recover from being in a bunch of different locations. I'm trying to settle back down into a certain pattern of living. That pattern is a little scattered right now, though, with trying to figure out where all the pieces fit in my life. It kind of feels like if you put together a puzzle just to find out that you're missing 1 piece to finish it. You search desperately to find that piece but it turns out it was never included in the package. What crap is that, eh? However, it's how I feel. There is a piece missing and I can't find it...no matter how hard I search...Maybe I should buy a new puzzle.

Everyone have a great weekend. I've got a few loose plans--none firm as of this morning. What's everyone getting into? Has anyone started making big summer plans?

give me strength to try once more

It's been one of those weeks, everyone. A little bit of up. A little bit of down. Last night I had a full on sobbing break down for no apparent reason. I ended up sending Eric a long, sad email about how bad my life sucked at the moment and how much he sucked for being gone so I couldn't rant to him. I apologized for the whole him sucking thing before the end of the email. I felt better after emailing him, though, and a whole lot better after he emailed me back telling me he's doing fine. It's weird to know how worry can creep into your mind and cling somewhere in the back of it and drive you to the point of crazy wondering if someone is okay. I emailed him a happy email today. I promised him before he left I'd email him a lot and have seriously failed on that for the first stretch. I'm going to do better now, though, I've decided. Time to get out of this funky bad/gray mood and back into good friend mode.

---

Everyone keep VoR in your thoughts today. He's in a place where good thoughts are needed so send them his way. Sidenote: I miss you snookums. :(

---

I have a date Saturday. Well, does coffee count as a date? I'm sort of excited about this and sort of incredibly nervous. After AA guy, Jesus man and Christmas man, I'm just not so sure if me and dating are meant to be. However, this guy is funny and cute in the geeky way that I dig. Belle said he kind of looks like Eric but I didn't realize any resemblance until she pointed it out. Oh well. Everyone looks like someone, right? I'm going to go and see a movie after the coffee so I guess we'll see how things go and if it's well he might come with. I'll do a followup with this once I know more..which will be Sunday or Monday.

---

It's day 4 of me actually working out again. I've been coming in before work and getting my workout on. It's going okay. I've lost 5 pounds since Monday. That means my 40 pound goal is down to 35. Before anyone worries, I'm not doing anything crazy and consuming plenty of calories. The weight loss will slow down but it can keep melting off for now. That's fine by me.

Alright, enough for today. How's everyone? Big weekend plans?

time flies...

...when you're drinking rum? Time should never fly for me, then, because I do not drink rum. It gives me the worst migraines. Just thinking about drinking rum makes a dull "noooooooooo" echo through my mind. While I was in Philly, though, I was convinced drinking a Long Island was a good idea. I'm not going to go into the whole trip details but I will tell you a few catch phrases/songs from the Long Island night (note: sb is a girl I run with at meetings when belle isn't around. I am not talking about myself):

• "Listen, SB, I'm trying to take one for the team but dude smells like cashew chicken." --followed by SB almost peeing her pants in a tiny bathroom
  
• "He's a supppper creeepppppppier, super creepppieer, he's super creeepppppppy yaaaaaawwwwwwwww" Sung to "super freak" obviously and sung about the previous object of interest
• "Seriously, kissing him isn't even worth smudging my lip gloss" (me) "you aren't wearing lip gloss" (sb) "Exactly."(me)
• "Listen, I'm not drunk so I have no excuse to make out with you...wait, that didn't come out 100% like I meant it to..." again from me to the object of previous interest
• "Does it bother you he's sex-ting me?" (sb) "No, it bothers me how bad he is at it..."
• "You are of absolutely no good to me at this moment. Don't let the door hit ya where the good lord split you..." ...followed by me falling into an amazing sleep
• "I might just have to have my way with this town again..."

All in all, much better time in Philadelphia this time around!

---

Holy hell. In one year it'll be my 10 year high school reunion. I came to this realization over the weekend and have decided to make a rather large impact when I go back for it. I have, thankfully, already dropped the 60 lbs I put on after high school. Now I'm sitting firmly at the weight I was when I graduated. Ya know what? F THAT. I want to go back and be like "F you b'tches!" to all the guys who broke my heart and to all the girl who picked on me for being a band geek!

So, you ask, what is my goal? 1 year--40 pounds. I'm going to try not to be too hard on myself and work as hard as I can. I work towards a goal even if it's not a 100% good one. Yes I know that going off on a mission to put people in their place can be dangerous but hell, why not try? I wanted to lose another 40 pounds since last years weight loss anyway so why not make the effort with an end date in sight?

Alright, enough for now. I'm going to try to get caught up on blogs but it probably won't happen. Much love to everyone I've missed!

I'm goin' back to philly

Tomorrow that is. I'm sure I've got things to write about but work is dominating my life right now. Before I head to Philly, though, I had to share a slightly modified quote from Belle.

" i am going to lunch, if you are gone before i get back have fun, be safe and say no to jersey*"

She is my sunshine on a cloudy day...

on the streets of philadelphia

As he pressed me into a doorway, lips sealing over mine, I have to admit the thought of how much my perception of the city had changed due to a couple of drinks and certain company. This place had seemed dangerous and incredibly dirty in the light of day. Now, with only the scattered store neons lighting the way, it seemed full of possibilities...and incredibly dirty in a whole different way. The voice in the back of my head that had first started its rant on "no, bad decision, no no no" the moment his hand brushed my back had officially given up the fight. Logic was not going to win this battle and there was no need to continue on with the fight. The next few minutes were a blur of what seemed like a three mile hike, a few "we said we were done", and more careless kisses.

There were rules set into place for a reason. Reason and logic...if only I could live by those terms instead of referring back to them with a sigh. At the moment, though, I was just living like there were no complications. I was living for just me and him and the city of Love...Perhaps things would be different this time around. Things have been known to work out the way people want them to, at least in a movie or two. Someone isn't always left crying or picking up the pieces of a moment of passion and rage. Was it anger or lust that was driving this encounter? My mind debated back and forth which was the correct choice but I couldn't draw the line.

"Darling, we're here"...he whispered in a hushed voice through my hair and into my ear. Before I had the opportunity to ask him which he thought it was, his hand was again laced behind my neck, arm firmly around my waist. Another kiss. Another sigh. Another wall of resistance and restraint I was trying to build tore down before the cement had the time to dry...

Terrible idea... Don't you just love those? - Under The Tuscan Sun

i'll never see the light of day

My job is killing me.

There, I've said it. It's out in the open.

The problem I'm having lately isn't even involving the same shit I deal with on a normal basis that I've just got used to and no longer acknowledge. The problem is involving the fact that I'm stuck doing something I really have zero interested in doing. How I got into this job I'm not really sure. After almost 4 years of doing it there's just a blur in my memory as to how I got into this position (much like after too much jager...but that's a whole different Philadelphia laced story...). I had grown rather numb to the whole aggravation of the standard day to day but at the beginning of the year I had a new hope: there was someone new in charge of my department. Things would improve now, I was assured, since this person had a vision and drive and blah-di-blah is what I say now. I can't get into details because I never get into details about work stuff on here. Just know things have grown bad enough that I applied for a lateral move to another department that I'd much rather work in. My big boss doesn't want to move me but if he doesn't I don't know how much more of this I can take. I feel sick. My nerves are in knots thus my stomach is the same way.

Thank god it's Friday.