Marital Bliss

You don't send me flowers anymore...

2011-12-06T07:43:00.003-05:00

I've completely quit blogging, I know. I do miss it. There are so many things I'd like to open my heart up about and let come pouring out. Things change as the seasons do, though, and it makes it seem like a bad idea to just put it all out there. You never know who might stumble upon the things you write I suppose. I kicked around the idea of starting up a different blog with a different name to just be able to be anonymous and painfully honest.

There are times there are things clinging to the tip of my tongue, waiting to be said, and I swallow them.

I'm in a bit of a dark place today, but trying to find the light. I have to put on that smile and fake it until I make it. If I start a new blog up and you'd be interested in having the info on it - comment here and I'll share with you. I'm more so debating a blog with a touch of truth and a lot of fiction. I miss writing as an escape. It might do me good to start again.

I think of you all often. I hope you're all well.

I have a blog?

2011-08-24T08:08:00.002-04:00

Wow, I haven't visited in forever. I could give reasons but they're really just excuses. I'm busy, honestly, and used to blog at work but just can't fit it in anymore. However, here's an update on what all is going on in my life!

3 weeks shy of the 1 year wedding anniversary
Down 42 pounds since my wedding. I have 27 more to go to hit my goal!
I have a new job - same company - different job. I'm happy with it but incredibly busy
I'm pretty sure I'm going back to school at a major university
Did I ever say Phenom got a new home and I just have Jasper and Daisy now?
I'm making my first ever trip to California this year
I'm travelling a lot
I wish I took pictures but I always get so hung up on looking around that I forget to save the memories

That's about all for now. How are y'all?

Sigh

2011-05-06T18:58:00.001-04:00

Why, oh why, do I binge eat? I'm going to look up a book to help me deal with my problem. It is a problem. A big problem. It's like I lose all control.

I want to cry but my insides are numb from food.

I came, I saw, I blogged

2011-04-07T09:38:00.001-04:00

My weekly post is up - visit it! http://calebbradberry.com/wordpress/?p=96

News!

2011-04-04T11:35:00.002-04:00

Okay, a couple of things under news.

New low weight achieved today! This is, of course, good news. If I lose weight, though, basically every day is a new low weight so I probably won't mention it every time the scale goes down. Or maybe I will 'cause it makes me feel good. I have about 20 days left to lose 6 pounds to reach my 8 week goal. We'll see if I can make it. I didn't gain weight over the weekend so that's very good news and a big accomplishment.
I am now doing weekly guest spots over at http://calebbradberry.com/wordpress/. It really will make your life better if you visit it at least every week to see my featured series of posts. I'm not even going to tell you the subject of my series. Let's see if you can identify it without clues.

I hope everyone is great! I am working on afghan #2 for friend's having babies. I should post pictures 'cause they have turned out really pretty. Maybe I will on the one I'm working on now because I already wrapped the other one.

How about some measurements?

2011-03-17T07:55:00.002-04:00

I have 3 of my measurements because that's all I was sure I could remember this morning.

Waist: 33

Hips: 41

Calves: 15.5

Last time I posted measurements I was here:

Waist: 36

Hips: 47

Calves: 15.5

The bad news is it appears I'm always going to have fat calves. The good news is whoa, 6 inches off my hips! My hips have always been a problem area for me so this is great news. My butt is also firming up a lot so woohoo!

Who Never Posts?

2011-03-10T08:55:00.002-05:00

I never post! Where did all my time go when I could write brilliant blogs about random things in my mind or bitch about not losing weight? No idea, it's just gone.

Things are going. They just are going slowly. I'm still working myself out to death and struggling with eating until my eyes are full, not my stomach.

Life goes on.

I'm working on a project for a friend of mine who is having a baby. When it is done up will go pictures.

Maybe. Who am I kidding? I can't even post my new measurements.

Another Thursday?

2011-02-23T21:41:00.002-05:00

Whhheww what is it about days I decide I'm going to post and not knowing the day it is. I know today is Wednesday but the last time I posted it was a Thursday. I had a very bad day and was very discouraged. I don't even really remember why things were so rough.

I can let everyone know that even though work SUCKKKKED today, other things are going well. I met my 8 week goal of 16 pounds. I'm working on my next 8 week goal. I set it at 16 also but I know this will get harder as each week, and pound, passes. I've worked hard and hope to continue. The husband is more on board now and that makes things easier. He's been complimenting me on my "shape" and how I'm more "shapely" which I've finally learned is a compliment.

In most cases I'm sleeping better. That's a side effect of the weight loss.

One worry: I have to start traveling for work again soon. I just need to remember to control myself. Just because I'm in a different environment doesn't mean I have to go crazy.

I can do this. I will succeed.

Tired and stuck

2011-01-27T09:17:00.001-05:00

I hate this weather. The ice now has me stuck on my mountain.I hate being stuck.

This means I'm going to have to find a means of working out at my house. My husband is home. Tough.

Just a few things

2011-01-25T08:44:00.002-05:00

I haven't measured yet because the only time I can think about it is right after I've worked out. I thought I'd post a few things here though because better out than in, as Shrek says.

I have been participating in the National Fitness Challenge through the Discovery Channel. Since I started it I have lost 10 pounds. My total goal for my 8 week challenge is 16 pounds so I'm on my way. I think I'm at 3 weeks. I can't really remember. I should probably look at that. In this time I've also started a weight loss support group on Facebook. It's 7 of us right now. If nothing else it helps me be accountable because I have taken on a leadership roll with everything.

I have a headache today. I've actually had a headache about 3 days. It makes me want to just go back to bed. I am at work, though, and staying busy. Hopefully it'll pass.

How's everyone doing?

Also, I went back and read a bunch of my old blogs before deleting them. I'd just like to take a moment to say...thank god that phase of my life is over.

I've been thinking...

2011-01-24T16:14:00.001-05:00

...and reading back through some of my older blogs. I'm going to ditch a lot of them. They are a very strange part of my past that I just don't feel like holding on to anymore. I have learned my lessons from them and, finally, firmly want to leave them where they belong - the past.

As a p.s...any of my random fiction I'm keeping up 'cause maybe I'll write a book someday.

As a p.s.s....I know I need to update on the fatness of my buttness but I haven't had time to take measurements lately (how much of an excuse or way of saying "I don't want to take measurements" is that?). I will try to take them tomorrow after work and get them up.

Another weekend passes

2011-01-03T10:44:00.002-05:00

Well, I made it through the holidays without gaining any weight which was a pretty impressive feat. It could be because I technically have gained weight but I just fight it off all week long to stay at an even place. Hopefully since I've got passed it all I can focus in. I have a doctor's appointment in March so I'm thinking it will help motivate me to be the best me I can be (though, honestly, it never has before).

My measurements haven't changed either. Again, I guess I'm just glad to make it out alive.

Workout has remained about the same except I'm going to start dragging my mom with me to the gym 3 days a week which means I'll have some extra workout time. Hopefully it'll make things changed too.

I hope everyone is diving into 2011 and feeling all happy.

I came, I saw, I ate

2010-12-28T11:59:00.003-05:00

Sometimes I sit back and wonder why it is that I'm eating what I'm eating. I know what I should be eating. I know what I should not be eating. There are times, though, where I can justify eating my weight in cookies and candies. I can justify eating as much Mexican as possible before I cannot walk.

When I think about it, though, I realize there are reasons behind the eating. More than anything it's stress and boredom. I need to find a new way to destress - a new way to cure my boredom. I already workout every day. I just got a Kindle so I'm taking up reading all the Classic novels I've never read before...mainly because they're free.

Maybe I don't need a diet - maybe I need a therapist.

It's My Birthday

2010-12-18T13:05:00.002-05:00

I'm 29 today. I know I haven't been updating like I said I would. Things have been so busy and complicated. Doctor visits, ER visits, holidays and so much more. I thought I would drop in, though, and show where I'm at now.

Arms:13

Chest: 36

Waist: 36

Hips: 47

Thighs: 27

Calves: 15.5

Sigh

2010-11-18T09:37:00.001-05:00

I work out 5 times a week, at least, for 30 minutes a day, again, at least.

I watch everything I eat and not just as it goes from my plate to my mouth.

I am making no progress.

Sigh.

one week down

2010-10-17T18:42:00.002-04:00

Okay, I've made it through one week. I've worked out, watched what I ate (and not just as it went from the plate to my mouth) and made sure to drink plenty of water. I've done some experimenting with what/how/when I'm eating. These are the results of one week:

Arms: 13.75 (down .25)
Bust: 37.75 (down .75)
Waist: 39.75 (down .75)
Hips: 49 (down .5)
Thighs: 29.5 (down .5)
Calves:18 (down 1)
Total Inches Lost: 3.75 inches
Pounds lost: 7.8

I'm pretty happy with the results for the week. Today is kind of a wildcard because I take Sundays off from working out. I figure it's okay to take one day a week to just chill. I also ate a pepperoni roll today for lunch and it wasn't great for me. We are, however, having a pretty healthy dinner so I'm not going to worry myself to death.

In regards to what I'm thinking about changing with my eating this week I'm speaking regarding my breakfast and lunch. I don't believe I'm eating enough during the day. It's making me tired and grouchy so I'm moving things around with it. With working out I'm planning on keeping the path I did this week.

Upcoming worries: I have to go to New Orleans for work on Saturday for 4 days. This worries me but I think I can get things ironed out. I just need to make sure I get some healthy snacks and breakfast options. I need to not be too hard on myself but hold myself accountable. When I first get to the hotel I need to find the gym and make myself say I'm going to go there.

I hope everyone has a great week!

didn't i my dear

2010-10-16T09:52:00.002-04:00

For the past couple of these things I have been talking about things that make me hungry. I thought I would mention something that doesn't on this cool Saturday morning.

Drinking coffee. It makes me feel full and happy and warm. Is there a coffee only diet? One of my A friends told me yesterday I'm not eating enough and my body is going to think it's starving. I was like - I'm eating. I'm not starving myself. It's just she had got so used to me eating all time (seriously) that is seems like I'm never eating. I still eat. God knows I love food. Especially bread (as mentioned before). Oh, and butter. Ohhh bread and butter.

There I go talking about things I love again.

I got a bit of things under control. I do have to talk myself down from doing crazy things like eating until I'm ill. I don't really fully know what drives me to do that. It's like there are just times I have to get sick off of eating too much food to feel really alive. It's something I've got to work out in my head.

Tomorrow: Update on measurements. Ugh.

Sometimes I close my eyes...

2010-10-13T18:25:00.002-04:00

There are times when I close my eyes and find myself fantasizing. It makes me feel warm and happy all at once. I lick my lips and find myself wanting it so bad.

What am I fantasizing about? A great big...stack of pancakes. That's right. Buttermilk pancakes. Fresh off the grill. All of them drown in butter because I don't like syrup. Just thinking about them now makes my mouth water.

Is there a medical condition for fantasizing about carbs? If so I both suffer and enjoy it.

Thing 1

2010-10-12T19:45:00.002-04:00

I get hungry. That's a thing that makes me eat. I mean I'll go days and days and not be hungry at all. Then out of nowhere I'll wake up starving the next morning. I do mean starving too. Stomach aching. Just so danged hungry. It's like I can eat and eat and nothing fills me up though. It is something I've wondered about possibly being just because I'm tired and don't know how to deal with being tired. I wonder if I wake up bored too.

I've got better at ignoring it though. It helps some if I can convince myself it'll all be okay as soon as I can drink some water. Sometimes that helps. Sometimes it makes my stomach hurt.

I'll sort through it eventually.

Here We Go Again

2010-10-11T19:58:00.003-04:00

Recently I received a comment that I should start blogging again about how wonderful being married is for me. I sort of snickered at this idea. It's not that our life isn't great together - it is great. We just live a real life where there are times we don't agree, times we argue and times when his snoring makes me want to put a pillow over his face just to make it stop. (just kidding..sort of) I love him to death, though, just like he does me and that makes life a little bit better every single day.

While I've been considering this idea I've also been fighting with my advisary - my weight- yet again. Has anyone heard that saying about getting shorter and fatter because you're happy? Fly mentioned something to me about it but I can't remember the wording he used here. I was happy at my wedding and pretty content with the way the pictures turned out. The issue with buying a dress and then deciding you're going to get healthy again is that pesky thing about measurements varying constantly with each pound gained or lost. After fretting over the whole wedding dress thing for about 6 months I said "Forget it...I'm done with this." ..and I ate. And ate. And...ate.

This morning I finally sucked it up and weighed myself. In the moment I stepped on the scale I almost passed out. I swear my clothes seemed to be fitting better! I wasn't having issues getting into them. I was walking 3-5 times a week at work and working out in addition to that twice a week. How did this happen? How did I get here again? I can't believe I'm about to start from square one again to fight this stupid battle with myself.

I decided, however, to start blogging this battle again. I'm going to be painfully honest with myself and everyone else in this time. I'm not going to put my weight until I can face it but I'm going to put every single measurements up once a week. This is day one of kicking my own ass into gear.

From here on this blog will be me talking about what I'm eating, what drives me to wanting to eat (especially when I'm not hungry) and, as usual, whatever other random thing pops into my head.

Arms: 14
Bust: 38.5
Waist: 40.5
Hips: 49.5
Thighs: 30
Calves: 19

God help us, here we go.

Wedding

2010-09-17T21:52:00.001-04:00

It was wonderful. Beautiful. Magical.

If anyone wants to see pictures find me on Facebook. By next Tuesday I'll probably have about 500 up. :)

Saturday...

2010-09-09T22:43:00.000-04:00

...I am getting married...

(eep!)

...And...

2010-02-19T22:40:00.001-05:00

I'm getting married.

:)

2010-01-22T14:21:00.002-05:00

The phone felt oddly heavy in my hand. How long had it been pressed to my ear listening to the endless ring...ring...ring...waiting for an answering machine to pick up? A better question would probably be why I was sitting in the dark extra bedroom in the dead silence with this phone to my ear anyway. One splash of bitter red wine from the glass, past lips and down throat was an instant reminder.

A voice. That's all I needed to hear.

There was no point in letting my mind drift. I was aware enough to know that my memories would be tainted by the drinks from the evening. As always the good times would seem overpowering and leave me sobbing messages of "why...why didn't this work..." and the bad times would seem distant...nonexistent. The fact that the bad times so harshly outweighed the good times would be forgotten. The need to go back to his arms, his bed, would win and then all I'd worked for would be ruined...soiled by the part of me that should have died long ago.

The part of me only for him.

How many times had I called him tonight? Was this the first or the tenth? If he would answer there would be a few moments of comfort in the conversation and then the call would end. I would sit, breathe in...breathe out...and feel the despair and guilt wash over me. The "why..why did I do that.." would win out and I'd have to hide my shame. The shame...

"hello..."...a rough, groggy voice floated into my ear. The electricity shot down my spine, out to my fingertips then landed firmly in my chest.

"Hello?" ...a bit louder now. More awake, aware. Barely audible above the pounding of my heart in my ears.

"Hello?? I can hear you breathing."...a touch of anger, aggravation ringing clearly through the words. Mouth instantly dry and yet expectant and longing for the mouth those words came from the close roughly around my own. My voice screamed in my head. Say something...say anything.

"He..."...the click was deafening. The moment of connection was gone and a sob caught in my throat as the fast busy signal echoed through the room.

For a moment we were tied together...both wondering about the words unsaid. Silence the only answer.

Hang up.