the old me dead and gone away

I'm not sure if I even mentioned that I was quite the slut last summer/fall. Now I'm not being down on myself--I got plenty of that out of my system yesterday. I'm just calling it like it really was...I was a slut. If I was drinking and lonely I could always find someone who I thought was interesting enough to take home for a nightcap. Now, not to make myself seem way too slutty, it was normally the same guy over and over with a few spurts of a new guy who'd make the rotation.

I guess I should try to explain my behavior. It's not that complicated for once--there was someone I was still hung up on that I had said I was over that was in a relationship and it hurt me straight to my soul. I didn't know how to deal with it. It was like every time I saw them together my only way of coping was drinking enough to go numb and find someone to fill that empty hole left where he once stood.

I think the worst part about it is that I actually tried to convince myself I was happy for him because he was happy and that's all I wanted. I just want to say right now if you have to try to convince yourself that you're happy for someone you're so not happy. I realized this whole thing at the end of the year and it made my life so much easier. Lying to yourself is completely exhausting especially when a part of your brain/heart/soul constantly screams to the truth and you have to ignore it. Thus, admitting the truth is a freeing experience.

By the beginning of the year I'd moved and found a certain kind of peace instead of a piece. It was okay to just sit around and be quiet alone. I didn't have to fill that empty hole inside anymore. I decided it'd eventually either grow closed or find something else to fill it with. I really started concentrating on some new goals, mainly the continuing weight loss. There was a short blip with Juan but that fizzled quickly. My whole perspective on relationships and men in general seemed to morph.

Now, why am I getting into all this now, you ask? It all kind of revolves around Gator. I ended up hanging out with him and a few other friends (VoR included) last night. When I was leaving he got all huffy with me because I wouldn't give him a ride home. I pointed out there were two other people going to his house who I knew would give him a ride. There was absolutely no reason for me to have to give him a ride and I'd, honestly, had all the Gator I could take. He got pissy! I just shrugged and was like "oh well" and left.

The old me would have took him home and done whatever he wanted. The old me would have been three sheets to the wind and it would have seemed like a good idea. The old me would probably be hung up on this douchebag and wondering what's wrong with me that he's not feeling the same way.

Thank god the old me is gone.